(MYRTLE BEACH) In what consumer watchdogs are calling “the most cursed product launch since Crystal Pepsi,” Speinsted and Ederpt Toys and Games has issued an urgent recall of its wildly unpopular Labubu knockoff, LaGooGoo, after it was discovered the toy was possessed by Anu, ancient Babylonian spirit and demon god king of the Annunaki.
The recall comes after thousands of parents reported disturbing behavior from the dolls, including whispering in Sumerian, levitating during bath time, and encouraging children to “pledge eternal loyalty to Enki and prepare the Earth for his glorious return.” One mother in Des Moines claimed her daughter built a ziggurat out of Lunchables and began chanting “The stars are right” during recess.
Head of Product Development, Sargon the Dreaded addressed the media from a smoke-filled conference room flanked by two jackals. “We are investigating how something like this could possibly happen,” he said, while casually flipping through a Necronomicon. “It may be the work of cartels." Or other quote "convenient scapegoats. We’re keeping our options open." Sargon said.
The LaGooGoo doll, originally marketed as “a cuddly cryptid with a mischievous grin,” was manufactured in a facility located suspiciously close to the ruins of a Mesopotamian temple. Early prototypes reportedly burst into flames when exposed to sunlight, but executives chalked it up to “quirky charm.”
Despite the backlash, Speinsted and Ederpt is offering a generous buy-three-get-one-free coupon as compensation, redeemable only during lunar eclipses. “We stand by our products,” said CEO Ederpt, “even when they open portals to forgotten realms.”
Consumer advocates are urging families to return the dolls immediately, or at the very least, stop feeding them. Meanwhile, LaGooGoo’s resale value on occult auction sites has skyrocketed, with one mint-condition doll fetching 12 goats and a cursed amulet.
As for Anu, sources close to the demon king say he’s “thrilled with the brand exposure” and is considering a limited-edition plush line for the holidays.
More updates as the veil thins.
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